back to intro page 9 of 12

64. Hire Gil "Like a Surgeon" Amelio as the new CEO.

65. Gather all the phone numbers of your Wired and HotWired subscribers, and make telemarketing calls to them at home during dinner.

66. Hire creative people from bOING bOING and MONDO 2000 to inject hipness and street cred into the magazine... oh, wait. Never mind.

67. Sell the whole thing off to the Global Business Network, which can officially fold it into their operations as a corporate newsletter and value-laden brand identity for think tank conferences.

68. Restructure the operation as a PAC. Announce that Louis will be running in the next gubernational election as a Libertarian.

69. Fake a hostage standoff, get lots of press. Hire some ex-Japanese Red Army types to take the Wired Offices, along with Jane Metcalfe, hostage. Louis Rossetto will look suave and in control as while he spends the first few hours negotiating, but when it comes time to storm the building (as it must for CNN's sake) send in Joey Anuff, Kevin Kelly, and Chip Bayers to take the terrorists down. With a little luck and confusion, one of the three might accidentally get shot, and so much the better.

70. Stop having interviews with AI developers, and just try to have Keanu Reeves on each cover.

71. Bring back the drugs of choice section in the back. You know it's time to drop a subscription when the item you read first gets cut.

72. Become fervently anti-Microsoft. Sure, Redmond has money to throw around, but once you really start singing the praises of Netscape, Sun, and Oracle in print ("Marc Andreessen's a snazzy dresser! Larry Ellison really does make sense! Java really will change everything!") the ad revenue from the Holy Alliance will just roll right in. And because you're Wired, you won't even mention this arrangment, unlike those wusses at CNET.

73. Pay cartoonist Scott Adams $10 million to have Dogbert start quoting from the Tired/Wired list.

74. Finally figure out what the hell kind of a magazine you are. Details for geeks? The New Republic for geeks? The Wall Street Journal for geeks? Conde Nast for geeks? Mondo 2000 for yuppies? Scientific American for designers? Computer Life for the less-than-fully-clueless? Life for the 21st century?

75. Rename the company Weird and begin an aggressive fetish marketing campaign.


printing? get the text-only version