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36. Come up with something in bigger print and less jargonized for the huge market of 40-55 year olds who feel they have to figure something out about this Internet/computer thing in order to stay fiscally current and employable.

37. Realize that boys' clubs are passé.

38. Create a little Mr. Wired cartoon character and license the shit out of him.

39. Open a chain of Wired cybercafés.

40. Start a dance channel that broadcasts endless hours of stylish music. Wait, you already tried that.

41. Prozac.

42. Siphon a little petty cash to order Don Lapre's complete system for making money through buying, selling and placing tiny classified ads. Use initial revenue to set up his bonus program "starting your own 900 number."

43. Pay Suck contributors much, much more.

44. Place Honor Boxes at CompUSAs around the country. Repurpose HTML coders into change counters.

45. Go back to the basics: black and white.

46. Redesign "Webmonkey" to be a pay-for-play porn site. That way all the little web hipsters can spank their monkeys with that "avant garde" Wired-style background design.

47. Host a "Wired Aid" mega show featuring bands playing to "save the Internet as they know it" (most don't know it). Feature a big Soundgarden reunion, and get FSOL to actually show up and play, not just broadcast it from their basement via ISDN like they usually do.


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